


Book 1: Written in the Sand

by ChaoticBliss



Series: Written [1]
Category: The Order (TV 2019)
Genre: Alternate Universe, F/M, Greybeard (The Order), I Blame Tumblr, I Can't Believe I Wrote This, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Knights of Saint Christopher (The Order TV 2019), Magic, OC, Timber (The Order), Tundra (The Order), Werewolves, Why Did I Write This?
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-01
Updated: 2020-11-09
Packaged: 2021-03-08 22:02:38
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 11
Words: 19,178
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27323956
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChaoticBliss/pseuds/ChaoticBliss
Summary: In one of the rooms up stairs, abandoned and alone. Her "friends" had dared her to go in there to see if it was haunted, alone. That's when she meets her hide, named Spitfire, known for being unpredictable, maternal, chaotic and bold. It chose her under the very unusual circumstances. After transforming for her first time, she finds out there are others like her.
Relationships: Hamish Duke/OC, Lilith Bathory/Randall Carpio
Series: Written [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1997638
Kudos: 4





	1. Hide

**Author's Note:**

> This was an idea at like, 12 AM. Please don't judge too harshly! I also appreciate it if you would comment any mistakes or critiques (though you don't have to!)  
> Lots of love you guys and happy reading!!

I’ve always wondered what was behind the creaky old door of the old abandoned house on Magnolia drive. The windows were boarded up, but not well. It looked as if whoever did it was in a great hurry. I had assumed the doors would be locked, so I never even tried to go in the spooky looking house before. 

Until tonight.

Tonight was the only night when I almost chickened out on a dare. And I never really chicken out of one. I looked back at my supposed friends at the time who had dared me to go in. They reminded me of tantalizing snakes, whispering that ‘everything was gonna be okay’ and ‘not to worry’. 

Damn was I ever a fool.

Passing the threshold, I gave a shiver. The ones where you know you aren’t supposed to be there, or that you’re doing something wrong. I ignored it as I went in deeper, going towards the once-grand staircase that lazily winds around. 

As I walked up the creaky steps, I looked around at the undisturbed dust and items.

 _Must have been here for centuries!_ I thought, probably being off with the timeline. I ascended the stairs slowly, looking up and down the hallway. I decided to go right, there was a single door there, looming, and seeming to guard secrets.

I opened the door, it gave a loud and unsettling groan, protesting against the use. Inside the room was furniture covered in aged off-white sheets, termite-eaten wood furniture, and an old, square box in the center, up against the wall between two boarded up windows. 

Curios about the box, I walked over. The box was beautiful for how long it was there. It had delicate carvings that looked fierce, with it’s once vibrant cherry wood. On top was a deep red leather bound book with a layer of dust on it. I picked it up and began to read the first section, the writing in small, rushed handwriting.

December 19

I tried to tell them. But it never seemed right at the time. I should’ve when I had the chance, and now they are all dead. What am I gonna do? Running isn’t an option. No matter where I run, the ringing always finds me.

It is inevitable to say the least. This… Hide makes me do things when that happens. That dreadful ringing. 

Will no one help me?

I skipped ahead in the book, where there was different handwriting, one seeming like it was written by a female.

April 9th

Spitfire has a way of wanting to do things her way. She is unpredictable that way. When I first accepted the call, I found out rather quickly that when my family was threatened, she didn’t like it. 

When it became apparent that, on top of my own maternal instincts, it fueled her fire. I enjoy it, actually. Today I tracked down a black magic user, one who didn’t know what they were doing actually, and slain them.

That handwriting abruptly stopped. There were a few entries before this one with similar handwriting, but after that, nothing more of it. Swirling cursive caught my attention, making me read another entry.

July 3

Today is the day we execute our plan. Our plan might prove fatal, but it’s what needs to be done to ensure future knights their safety. The magic users are getting more and more advanced, making all of us shift more frequently. It’s not the best plan we have had, but it will have to do. 

Later this evening we, the rest of the pack, will have to go and get in positions. So, Charlie, if you ever find this and I never returned, just know that I love you and I am doing this to protect you. Take care of our daughter, and make sure she never knows of this burden.

I sat there, tears springing to my eyes as I read that last part. But one question rose in my mind. _What are they talking about?_

I was so lost in thought I barely noticed the box thumping, like something wants to get set free. “What the hell?” I asked myself, leaning closer to take a look. My mind screamed at me to run, but my curiosity rooted me to the ground. 

I raised my voice, looking behind me. “I swear to God, Lydia. If this is another one of your stupid fucking pranks-” 

All of a sudden, the lid of the box flew open, and all was silent.

I peered into the black abyss of the box, only to get thrown back by a force so strong and crushing, it hurt. Pain seared into me as I struggled to move. A smoky and sickly sweet scent flooded my nostrils as I thrashed. Oddly enough it reminded me of campfires and s’mores. My skin burned and crawled as I let out an ear splitting scream. 

I couldn’t move.

Then, all at once, blackness enveloped me into its’ welcoming embrace.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I will try to post weekly (Or a few days in between lmfao cause patience is not one of my virtues)  
> So, next Sunday I will post another chapter, but also keep an eye out for a early post!


	2. Mint and Rain

When I came to, I was cold. I coughed as I sat up, looking around. This wasn’t where I was last time. I was outside, on the earth, bare fucking naked and bloody. I visibly freaked out as I sat there, trying to conceal myself and wildly looking around to see if I can find my clothes. A sudden noise drew my attention as I froze, in horror.

_Fuck! I can’t let anyone see me like this!_ I thought as I got up and backed away behind some bushes. I watched as someone walked on a trail, looking around. He was tall, well dressed, and had dirty blond hair. He seemed confused as he looked around. When I saw his face, I literally couldn’t breath. He was beautiful. I say beautiful because he is; his face is kind of round, his jaw is soft yet sharp enough to cut paper, and his eyes are a gray-blue. 

His eyes fixated where I had been before, seeing red liquid, and followed the trail to where I was. I mentally freaked out as he gradually grew closer to me. _Please don’t find me, please don’t find me,_ I chanted in my head as I cowered down in the bushes as he walked by. He hesitated near my hiding place, walking a slow circle. 

“Hello? Anyone here?” He asked. “I promise I won’t hurt you,” He said, a little quieter. I didn’t move. I couldn’t out of fear. 

When his back was to me, I slowly scooted away, and, to my dismay, made a sound. Cliché as it is, a twig snapped under my palm. The man cocked his head subtly and turned around facing my direction.

_Oh shit._ I thought.

My heart was banging against my ribcage by now. _Maybe if I don’t move, he won’t see me,_ I thought innocently. The man approached the bushes in front of me, peering over them with ease because of his height. My body shook. _He’ll think I’m crazy or on drugs._ I thought. _Or both._

I tried to cover my naked body with what little I could, but it was inevitable. He saw me, and without hesitation, he walked up and crouched. I gave a visible flinch, not knowing what he was gonna do or say.

“Are you all right?” He asked, concerned. “It’s freezing out here! What happened?” The man began to shrug off his long coat, handing it to me. I was baffled. He didn’t even mind that I was naked. In front of him nonetheless. 

_He might be gay then,_ I instantly thought. “T-thanks?” I said, more of a question than a statement. The man nodded, getting up and giving out his hand. I took it without a word, being helped up. We said nothing as we stood there, a foot or so apart, staring at each other.

“What happened?” The man repeated. I just shook my head. “You’re guess is as good as mine,” I gave a weak laugh. The man stared at me. I realized how I must have looked to him. Crazy and naked out in the forest.

“Do you happen to know where I am?” I asked, trying to get this meeting over as soon as possible.

The man looked at me a moment longer before turning away his gray-blue gaze. “You're at Belgrave University,” He said. I stared at him, my mouth partially open. “What?” I exclaimed. I was far from home.

“You seemed surprised,” The man observed. “You’re not a student here?” He asked.

I merely shook my head. “No,” I was internally freaking out. How did I end up here? I tried to remember anything before this moment.

_Walking up to the door, I opened it. Inside were odd things, furniture covered, windows boarded up, and some boxes. One was in the middle, and on top was a journal-_

My memory was interrupted by the man. “Are you okay?” He asked. I looked back at him. 

“Yeah,” I said quietly, then more confidently, “Yeah, I was just trying to remember how I got here,” I gave a small and guarded smile. The man gave me a look; a believing one. “I understand,” He said. “Do you have somewhere to go?” 

At first I didn’t understand the question. It seemed foreign. “What?” I asked, confused for a minute. The man looked at me and spoke slowly. “Do you have a place to stay at?”

I shook my head in response. “No,” I said. _What am I gonna do?! I can’t go wandering around naked!_ I mentally freaked out. 

“Follow me,” The man said, and began to walk away.

I almost laughed. “Uh, excuse me,” I said, getting his attention. “I don’t know how you do things around here, and I mean no offense, but I don’t know you,” I pointed out. “For all I know you might be a serial killer,”

The man gave a chuckle, one I assume he doesn’t do often. “Well, I can assure you that I am not a serial killer,” He said. I somehow believed him. “And as for knowing me, my name is Hamish. Hamish Duke,” The man--now known as Hamish--said, looking back at me. “And you are?”

I hesitated. The logical side of me was screaming at me to run. To not say or reveal anything. But the illogical part is whispering to do the opposite. “My name is Mazikeen Sage,” I finally said, deciding to share my name. Hamish gave a nod. 

“Well, Mazikeen, it’s nice to meet you,” He said, inclining his head a little bit.

I couldn’t help but give a small smile as I put one bare foot in front of the other. We walked in silence, not saying anything until we came in view of an abandoned looking house.

_“Hey, Mazikeen, truth or dare?” Margo asked. I gave it some thought. I did truth last time, so I chose dare._

_“Oh! I got a good one!” Joan had said, raising her hand like she was in middle school all over again. “I dare you to go inside the creepy house on Magnolia Drive,”_  
_I gave a glance at Lydia, who in turn looked at me. She gave me a shrug. “A dare is a dare, Mazikeen,” She said._

_I almost rejected the idea, my parents had instilled in me to never, ever, go inside that house. Not because of the stories, but because it was dangerous. The house looked so unstable that it could fall if you touched it._

_But, I never walked away from a challenge, let alone a stupid dare. “Okay,” I finally said, giving them a sly smile. “Let’s go,” I said, getting up._

Hamish was by the porch, looking at me. “Mazikeen? Are you all right?” He asked, noticing that I faltered. I gave him a quick smile. “Yeah,” I said, walking up the porch. Inside the house wasn’t as abandoned as the exterior seemed to be. It was homey, in that clubhouse sort of way.

I slowly looked around, going into what seems to be the living room. There was a bar of sorts to the right of me, a couch in front of me along with some chairs, and a fireplace along the right wall.

Hamish cleared his throat as he stood in the doorway. “You can, uh, get cleaned up in there,” He said, pointing to a bathroom. 

I gave a smile as I walked past, and entered the bathroom. A knock on the door sounded, and Hamish’s voice said, “I’m gonna go and get you some clothes that might fit you,” He hesitated before saying, “I’m gonna go and, uh, grab them now,” 

I heard his footsteps retreat up the stairs in the main entry. I gave a sigh and looked in the mirror. I gave out a gasp at how I looked. “Holy shit,” I muttered under my breath. I looked horrible. I had blood on my chest and chin, as well as the rest of my body. My hair was a mess, with some leaves in it, and there were even some small and broken twigs.

“What have I done?” I asked myself as I turned on the water and used a black towel. Hope he doesn’t mind that I use this...I thought as I cleaned myself up. I was down to my legs when a knock sounded. “I got some clothes here for you, Mazikeen.” Hamish said at the door. I cracked it open to see him standing there, clothes folded in his hands. I took them with a “Thanks” and closed the door.

The jeans were a little tight, but they would work, and the shirt was a button down and was extremely baggy and smelled like… mint and rain? I looked into the mirror and saw how baggy it really was, so I tied the shirt around my waist so it was like a crop top. 

I took a deep breath, putting on the long coat that Hamish gave me, and walked out the bathroom. I didn't see him in the foyer, so I walked into the living room. I saw him behind the bar area making himself a drink. My heart sped up slightly at the sight of him.

I walked up and gave a smile, down casting my eyes. “Thanks for the clothes,” I said quietly, standing there awkwardly. Hamish gave a nod, gesturing to the glass. “Want one?” He asked.

I gave a shake of my head. “No, but thanks,” I said, still not looking at him. I could feel my face heating up as I stood there. 

“Well, uh, I gotta get going,” I said, risking a look up to look at Hamish. He was standing there looking at me, with the glass to his lips. His eyes bored holes into me as he stayed silent.

“Where will you go?” He asked, seemingly curious.

I gave a shrug. “I don’t really know how I got here, but I sure as hell can find my way back,” I said determinedly. Just as Hamish was opening his mouth to speak, the door flung open and came walking in a skinny, lanky, goofy kid. Well, to me he was a kid; he had curly hair and had this immature aura around him, yet he seemed mature at the same time.

“Hey, Hamish, you here?” He asked, walking into the living room. He hadn’t seen me yet, as he was focused on trying to find Hamish. “Okay, good, you’re here. Lil-” He broke off as he caught sight of me. “Hey, Hamish, who’s this?” He asked, confused. “And why is she here,” He said, giving Hamish a tense smile, eyes wide.

“I found her,” Hamish stated simply. “She was out in the woods here, lost and, uh-” He cut himself off as he looked at this new person, obviously not wanting to say how he had found me. The guy gave a nod, looking at me. 

“Oh, if Hamish found you and didn’t chase you off, then I guess you’re good. Names Randall by the way,” He said, sticking his hand out for me to shake it. I hesitated before I took his hand in mine in a firm shake. 

“Nice to meet you, Randall,” I said quietly. “My name is Mazikeen,”

“Wow, great name!” He exclaimed enthusiastically, nodding his head, making me smile. Randall seemed like a good guy, and already I felt at ease with this goofball. He reminded me of my best friend back in Oregon before I moved. Or a little brother I never had, but always wanted.

“Thanks,” I said, not knowing what else to say. I took my hand back as well as a step, and looked between the two. “I’ve got to be going now,” I said, looking at my bare feet and chewing on my bottom lip.

As I started to walk away, another person walked in through the open doorway. This time it was a girl with black hair and fiery eyes. She was shorter than I was, but not by much.

“Who the fuck is this?” She demanded, looking at Randall and Hamish. “What’s she doing here-” She cut herself off as she looked at my appearance, then her eyes seemed to glow with rage. “ _In my pants?_ ” She practically growled out. She gave me a kidney melting glare as I stood there frozen for a minute. 

Then, out of reaction, I took on a defensive stance, angling my body in front of the two men, who are clearly capable of taking off themselves, to shield them from this girl's anger.

Randall, peeking out from behind me, gave the girl a shit-eating grin. “Hey, Lilith! This is Mazikeen, Hamish found her out in the woods.” 

Lilith didn’t back off or apologize, though the fire in her eyes died down a little. “That still doesn’t explain why she’s in my jeans or in Hamish’s shirt,” She pointed out ruthlessly, giving both boys a pointed, and still angry, ready-to-rip-your-throats-out, look.

I gave a silent growl, anger gripping my limbs. Lilith all of a sudden went slack-jawed. “Did you guys see that?” She exclaimed, all of a sudden kind of shaken up.

I glanced back at Hamish and Randall in confusion. They both looked at me with similar expressions. “Okay, what is it guys?” I said, calming down. “Is there something wrong?”

“Um, Hamish, did you know this?” Randall asked, his voice wavering and a look of confusion. Hamish shook his head, baffled. “No, I didn’t,” He said. “Though it would explain why she was naked in the woods,” He said, looking at his friends. I gave him an angry glare, rage boiling inside my chest.

“You have no shame, what's so ever,” I said angrily to Hamish, my voice growing dangerous yet also in a calm manner. “You can’t just tell people about that without asking me!”

Lilith grew tense and Randall looked uneasy. “Hey, maybe you should calm down, okay?” Randall said, trying to smooth things out. “We don’t want anyone getting killed or anything,” He tried to joke. I turned my glare at him. He shrank away behind Lilith. 

I felt rage build in me. _How dare Hamish humiliate me?! He shouldn’t have done that! It wasn’t his place to say that,_ I wanted to rip someone’s throat out. _And how dare this girl treat me like this?!_

I felt my body ache and burn. I stumbled back, my back hurting and my teeth seeming like it was being yanked out by a dentist. I gave out a whimper as my body began to hurt.

“Mazikeen, you have to calm down,” Someone said, their voice distorted and far away. All I could feel was pain. All I could hear is the blood rushing in my ears.  
I don’t know if I screamed, or if I imagined it, but as soon as the pain and burn came, it went and so did my common sense.

My vision blurred and all I saw were greys and whites. I saw Hamish, Lilith and Randall standing and staring up at me, frozen. I gave a huff and a deep growl. I fixed my gaze on Hamish, giving a deep rumble in my throat. I left him alone despite of what he did.

He wasn’t the root of the problem.

My gaze flickered to Lilith, skipping over Randall who I knew wasn’t my enemy. I gave a growl as I saw the short girl. I licked my chops as I lowered myself in a crouched position, my ears pulled back. 

All I could see was red.

Then, I saw someone step into my vision, blocking me from launching myself at Lilith.

Hamish.

I gave a low and silent growl. _Move._

“Mazikeen, listen, we aren’t a threat,” He said slowly, his hands up in a surrendering and steady position, like he was calming a wild horse. “I’m sorry,” He said, walking closer slowly. I gave a threatening growl. 

He was soon in front of me, no fear-scent. 

All I could smell was refreshing mint and rain. I looked into Hamish’s eyes, my anger slowly leaking away as I calmed down. Soon, I was looking up at Hamish from the ground. My vision became blurry with tears. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry,” I repeated as I sat there, naked, crying. “I-I don’t know what came over me-” I cut myself off.

Lilith and Randall exchanged glances as Hamish walked out of view and came back with a robe. I put it on and sniffled. It smelt of mint and rain.

I didn’t look at them, but stared down at the ground. 

“Okay, what just happened?” Randall said, breaking the silence. 

“She transformed, you idiot!” Lilith growled out, crossing her arms. “Didn’t you just see it?” Lilith scoffed and looked back down at me. “How long have you been like this?” She asked me, her voice not wavering.

I stayed in a silent shock. 

“She doesn’t appear to have known until now,” Hamish voiced, studying me. I finally looked up at them. “I have no idea what just happened,” I said numbly. I looked at them in turn, my gaze reflecting how I feel; guilty, confused, and shocked.

“You’re a werewolf,” Randall said, obviously getting over the shock. He then looked at Lilith and Hamish. “Dude, she’s one of us,” He said excitedly. “Do you guys know what this means?”

“Yeah,” Lilith spoke up. “More attention,” She said. She looked at Randall with a look. “She’s an amateur! What makes you think this is a good thing, Randall? She could put us all in danger! I mean,” She gestured to me. “She almost ripped us to pieces for Hamish saying something that wasn’t approved of by her!”

“She can control it!” Randall argued back, his voice growing higher to overpower Liliths’. 

_Definitely childish,_ I thought.

Lilith and Randall argued back and forth until Hamish, who has been silent, finally spoke up. “Enough,” He said. Both quieted. “Last I checked, neither of you are in charge,” He said, deadly calm.

“But this is insane, Hamish! She has no idea what she’s doing or what she even is!” She exclaimed. Hamish’s eyes were as cold as ice. “We are keeping her here until she can control herself,” He sternly said.

“Um, hi,” I spoke up from where I was at. “But, uh, I think I have a say in this,” I said sheepishly. I got up slowly, my limbs aching. “Last I recall, you aren’t in charge of me,” I said, looking at Hamish.

Hamish let out a sigh. “Yeah,” He said. “But-” He cut himself off, rethinking what he was gonna say.

“What he’s trying to say is that you’re too dangerous to leave unchecked,” Lilith said, her tone clipped and bored. Hamish gave me a small smile. 

Randall spoke up, an excited smile wide on his face. “Dude, you have superpowers,” He said bobbing his head like he was agreeing with something as he looked around at Hamish and Lilith.

“So,” ,” Hamish began, an amused look appearing on his face as he looked from Randall—clearly ignoring what Randall had said—to me. “You’re a werewolf,”


	3. Roadtrip

Minutes blurred into hours as Hamish, Randall and Lilith explained everything. They explained what I was now, how it happens, and why. They explained how each hide--that’s what they call them--has their own personalities separate from the individual person, and that they are eternal spirits, meaning if the host--or champion as they call themselves--die, the hide doesn’t and waits for a new person. 

“Lilith has the hide named Timber; Randall has the hide named Greybeard; And I have the hide named Tundra,” Hamish said, just as Randall excused himself to go somewhere.

“Is it just your… hides? The three of you?” I asked, leaning forward curiously. Hamish shook his head as he spoke up. “No, there are three more here,” Hamish said. “Their names are Alpha, Silverback, Midnight and-”

Randall, coming back, cut him off by asking me, “What do you remember?” Then as if he just realized he cut off Hamish, he gave a sheepish look and mumbled an apology.

Hamish brushed it off, looking at me and waiting for my answer. I gave a slow nod, looking between the two boys. “I, um, remember reading before I-” I cut myself off hesitantly. “Before I became this, that this--Hide was it?” I asked, and getting a nod, I continued. “That this hide’s name was Spitfire,” I said. Hamish looked at me with intense interest. 

“Where is this book now?” He asked. I shook my head. “It was at this house down a few streets from where I live,” I said.

“Mazikeen, we have to go there and get it,” Hamish said. “That book is super important,”

“And what do you suggest we do?” Lilith spoke up. “Just a road trip to wherever the hell she lives?” Randall was about to say something, but Lilith silenced him by saying, “Shut up, Randall. You don’t have to answer that. It was rhetorical,”

“Well, why not?” Randall complained. “It would be fun!” He said.

Lilith only rolled her eyes. 

“What if you guys don’t have to go?” I suggested, earning a glare from Lilith, a stern look from Hamish, and a ‘are you crazy’ look from Randall.

“Or, what if I went with her?” Randall pointed out with a shrug. Hamish seemed to be nodding as Lilith opened her mouth, clearly not okay with that idea. “Are you crazy?!” She exclaimed, then looked at Hamish. “You can’t seriously be considering this?”

“Well, it’s not a bad idea, Lilith.” Hamish said, giving a nod, deep in thought for a moment. “All right, you and Mazikeen can go,” Hamish said, looking at Randall.

“Hamish! What the hell?” Lilith growled. “This is stupid idea!” She said, her eyes flashing a amber-gold. “Well it’s the only idea we got,” Hamish fired back, eyes flashing a silver-y blue, and standing up just as Lilith did. Anger flared through me as I saw the two about ready to attack each other.

“Guys, enough,” I said loudly, getting myself up off of the chair I was sitting in and going between them. I looked at Lilith. 

“I won’t be gone that long; I live a couple of hours away from here.” I said, then turned to Hamish. “Thank you for doing this for me, but I can just go by myself,” I said.

Hamish shook his head. “No, let Randall go with you. He’ll probably enjoy the adventure,” Hamish jokes, casting a glance at Randall, his eyes going back to his usual gray-blue. Randall seemed pleased by this, giving a smile.

I gave a slow nod, looking between the two questionably. “Alright,” I finally said. I turned to Randall. “Are you ready?” I asked.

“Um, Maze, you’re still kind of in a robe,” Randall pointed out. I cursed under my breath. 

Hamish spun around and went somewhere, coming back with a pair of sweats and a shirt. “Here, you can use these for now, just,” Hamish said, pausing and sighing. 

“Don’t shift. I don’t want these to be ripped,” He said, amusement glinting in his eyes. “But, if you do, make sure to strip out of them,”

I gave him a thankful look and went into the bathroom to change into the outfit.

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: .☽ . :☆ﾟ. ───

In the car, Randall was head banging to his music while I stared out the window. After about ten minutes, Randall turned down the music and opened his mouth to ask me something, then closed it again, rethinking.

“What is it Randall?” I asked, looking over at him.

“Well, it’s just,” Randall began. “It’s cool to know that someone else is like me--us,” he corrected. “Like us,”

I gave him a smile. “You know, it wasn’t on purpose,” I said, leaning back in my seat.

“Oh?” He said almost sarcastically. I gave him a smile as I continued. “I don’t really remember all of the time I blacked out, but I remember before that,

“I was spending the night at a friend’s house, and we all were playing truth or dare. They ended up daring me, since I barely turn down dares, to go and investigate the old Magnolia Drive house. Stories have been passed down saying it’s haunted, occupied by monstrous things, or even the gate-way to hell. It all depends on the person telling it.

“So, me being me, I went with my friends following me. They stayed by the street as I walked up to the house. It’s long since occupied, but still, it just felt like I was trespassing. When I walked inside, I got this… sense, warning me to run away from the house. But I didn’t listen. I walked around and found my way upstairs to where, um, I saw the box--or locker, as you guys call it--with Spitfire in it. And that’s when I blacked out,” I stopped, looking out the window for a minute. Randall was oddly silent. 

Until his mouth opened.

“That’s the most boring back story ever,” He complained. “Where was the action? _The drama?”_ He exclaimed mockingly, clapping his hands for emphasis, laughter clear in his voice. I cracked a smile as I looked back at him.

“Isn’t this whole situation drama and action enough?” I asked, smiling. It’s hard to stay sad around Randall.

Randall gave that some thought. “I guess you’re right, Maze,” he finally said. I hadn’t noticed the nickname until now. I smiled at that. 

“Hey, I have a question,” I said, looking at Randall. He waved his hand, saying “Go ahead”, and I launched into my question: “Are you and Hamish…” I trailed off, knowing full and well Randall knew what I meant. Randall’s eyes widened just a little bit in alarm, like what I said hit a sore spot. Just as fast as that look came, it went. “What? Me and Hamish as in a couple?” Randall said, looking between me and the road.

I gave a nod when he looked at me. _“Pshh,_ no way. It isn’t like that between us,” Randall said, then added, “He isn’t gay if that’s what you’re asking,”

I gave a silent sigh in relief. At least I know that much. That means I still have a chance. Whoa, where did that thought come from? I asked myself. I didn’t like Hamish that way… Did I? 

“What about you?” I found myself asking. Randall looked at me briefly with a grin. “Well,” He started dramatically. “If you _must_ know, I’m bisexual,” He said. “Why, you looking?” He added on flirtatiously. I rolled my eyes.

“No, I’m not,” I said. “You’re not my type in a guy,” I added jokingly. Randall pressed a fist to his heart like he was stabbed. “That hurts, Maze, that really hurts,”

I gave a little laugh, rolling my eyes. “So sorry I bruised your ego,” I said just as we both laughed.

We drove for the rest of the time in silence. Occasionally singing along to a song we both knew off of the radio, but other than that, we were silent. 

I wanted to ask him about his past, but reframed. It was none of my business.


	4. Guilt

When we reached the old house, the light was dying and the sky was darkening as the sun was setting. I sat in the car for a minute. 

“Ready?” Randall asked, seeming to be excited for both of us. I gave a tight smile. “Sure,” I replied as I opened the door and got out. Randall soon followed, walking with me to the front door.

Taking a deep breath, I pushed the door open and was appalled at what I saw. It was Lydia, lying lifeless on the ground. She was mutilated. I gave a gasping sob, turning my head from the body of my ex-friend, almost retching.

“I did this…” I whispered quietly, barely enough for Randall to hear. “I’m a monster…”

Randall enveloped me in a hug, trying to comfort me. “No, it was an accident,” Randall said. He took a step back, holding my arms to my sides and looking me in the eyes. “Go back in the car while I go and get the locker and the book,” He said.

I gave a nod, relief flooded through me as I didn’t have to see Lydia’s body on the ground anymore. I walked to the car, barely opening the door opened when I heard my name being called. I turned around and looked at who had said it, and it was Randall. That was fast, I thought as he walked up.

“I got it!” He said, smiling a cheesy smile. He hauled the box into the back seat and handed me the book and my phone I must’ve dropped. I tried to turn it on, but the battery was dead.

“Let’s get rolling,” He said as we both got in the car and backed out of the driveway.

“Wait,” I said. “What are we gonna do about Lydia?” I asked numbly. Randall stopped the car, giving out a groan like he forgot about the dead body. “Shouldn’t we call the police or something?”

“And say what?” Randall said, looking at me with a confused look. “ _‘Oh, hello Mr. Police Officer. I found this body of my friends’ friend and she may have wolfed out and killed her’_?” He said, mocking a voice as if he were talking sarcastically to a police officer. I gave him a look.

“Well, what should we do?” I asked, suddenly feeling overwhelming guilt.

Randall was silent. Then spoke up, “I guess we can give a tip on what’s here,” He said, giving a grimace. I gave him a sad, but grateful smile. 

“Thanks, Randall,” I said as Randall pulled out his phone and began to punch in some numbers. He lifted the phone to his ear and waited. Then he said, “Hi, hello, I would like to anonymously report a crime.” Randall cast me a sideways glance. He gave the address and hung up afterwards. 

“Police are on their way,” He said, giving me a small, tight smile. I breathed a sigh, some of my guilt easing away.

“Can I ask you a question?” I said.

“You just did,” Randall said, backing up his car onto the street, and pulling away from the house. “Fucking smartass,” I said under my breath, rolling my eyes.  
Randall must’ve heard me because then he laughed and said, “Go ahead,”

“Do you ever black out and forget about your, uh, transformations?” I asked, still not used to saying such things, for the exception of books, TV shows and movies, of course. Randall gave a single, enthusiastic nod. “Yu _p,_ ” he said, popping the _‘p’._

“But,” He continued. “When you get a handle on it, everything will be fine. Soon you’ll remember what you did and who you mutilated,” Randall said jokingly, then looked over at me. 

I stared at him, horrified at what he had said, my eyes glistening with tears. “Oh, right, sorry.” He rushed, his eyes wide with apology as he looked between me and the road. “Forgot about your dead friend back there for a minute.”

I just shook my head. “No, it’s all right. I was just caught off guard by the joke,” I said, looking down at my lap and at the leather-bound book.

“Hey, Maze, you know that book matches the color of your wolfs’ hide,” Randall commented, steering clear of talk of death. I just stared at it. 

“Really?” I asked distractedly. I opened the worn book and began to flip through the pages again, this time, with a lot more care. I stopped where the handwriting was cursive yet legible handwriting, and began to read.

_November 11_

_This is my first journal entry. I hope I’m doing this right. I’m outside, in a tent with the others, whom are asleep as I take the first watch. I never thought I’d be here, in the dark with only a candle for light, among a strange group. But I guess it’s destiny. What I wanted to write about is what we are doing. Me, Derek, Sam, and Clyde are out here scoping out a new place to call home after our last one was torched up by dark magicians, spell casters, or whatever you want to call them._

_That was the scariest day in my life. I didn’t know if I could make it out alive. That was also when Linda, the champion who took on Avatar--a hide that uses logic and reason, apparently—died trying to help us out of our safe place. She was like our foster mother. She took us all in, and was the oldest of all of us. When she wasn’t around, I was left in charge, considering I had Spitfire—one who is known to be the most maternal and protective._

_Most of the time it felt like I was taking care of kids instead of grown adults._

_Where we are is of no importance, because if this fell into the wrong hands, they can easily find where we are and kill us.  
I have faith that we might get a place before the magnolias bloom this spring._

“Are you even listening to me?” Randall complained, snapping me out of what I was reading. “Yes, of course,” I quickly responded, looking up at him.

“Okay, what did I say?” He questioned me. “I, uh,” I gave a sigh. “Sorry, I was reading about Spitfire,” I confessed. Randall gave a laugh.

“Nah, I was just messing with you, I didn’t say anything,” He laughed. I slapped his arm lightly. We sat in silence, except for the radio, for the rest of the ride back.

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: .☽ . :☆ﾟ. ───

As Randall pulled up to their safe house, I grew anxious. By this time, it was early morning, the sun barely rising, and I could see the lights on. When Randall put the car in park, he angled his body to face me. 

“Maze,” He said. “It’s all right. You don’t have to be worried,” He said, trying to reassure me. I gave him my most convincing smile, which I’m pretty sure ended up looking like a wince.

We both exited the car, Randall going and grabbing the box, and walked with me up to the door. I took a deep breath before entering the place. I was instantly greeted with the noise of a margarita shaker. _This early for a drink?_ I asked myself.

Randall said he’d put the box someplace safe, and disappeared through a doorway. I gave a shrug, and followed the noise to where Hamish stood behind the bar.

“Welcome back,” He greeted. “Everything go well?” He asked.

“Well, not exactly well,” I confessed, sadness and guilt clear in my voice.

“What makes you say that?” Hamish asked, genuinely curious and worried. I gave a sigh as I watched him pour the liquid in a glass. Then he poured a different liquid in another, this one I recognize as whiskey. I walked over, snatching it before Hamish claimed it for himself and took a sip. Hamish gave an ‘alright then’ face and shrugged, taking the margarita.

“I, um, kinda-” I was cut off as Randall came in just as I was trying to explain. 

“She killed her friend, dude,” He said loudly. “It was totally on accident though,” He said, sitting down on the couch, slouching.  
I looked at Randall sternly. “Sit up and don’t slouch,” I said automatically, then turned to Hamish who was looking at me over the rim of his glass, seeming amused by what I just did. 

“Oh really?” He asked. I gave a nod. “Well,” Hamish continued. “Did you guys hide the body?” he asked, looking between me and Randall.

Me and Randall exchanged uneasy glances. “Well, no.” I said just as Randall said, “She made me call the cops about it,”

Hamish gave a shake of his head. I felt like a child getting talked to about lying or something. “I felt guilty! What was I supposed to do? Bury her in a shallow grave out in the forest?”

“Yes,” Lilith said, walking in. “That is exactly what you’re supposed to do,” She turned to Randall, her eyes ablaze. “And you should know that!” she scolded.

“Hey, Lil, Maze didn’t know that. She has what’s called _‘guilt’_ ,” Randall said, emphasizing and air quoting the word guilt. “Whatever that is,” he said, giving a shrug.  
We all stood there in silence until Hamish started to laugh. Lilith and Randall started to shortly after. I was the last to start to laugh, but I didn’t have my heart in it. I sat down on the chair with my drink, giving a sip.

“I have a question,” I said just as the laughter was dying down. “Where am I gonna sleep?” _Or stay for that matter,_ I added silently.

Hamish gave a nod, looking at the others. “Well, there aren’t unoccupied rooms here, but I do know a place,” Hamish said.

“Are you serious?” Lilith piped up, her normal attitude slipping back after she had let loose for a minute. “You’ll trust her there?” she spat.

“Well, why not?” Hamish said in reply, unfazed by Lilith. “It’s the safest place other than here, and I’ll stay there to watch and make sure she doesn’t do anything reckless,” He said. He looked at me, then back.

“Fine, whatever.” Lilith said. “But if this backfires, it’s gonna be your fault,” She said as she got up and walked out of the room, and up the stairs.

“Well,” Randall spoke up. “That was fun,”

Hamish, ignoring Randall, got up, downing the rest of his drink, and sat it on the counter. “You ready?” He asked, looking at me. I gave a nod, setting down my unfinished drink. “Hey, Maze, you gonna finish that?” Randall said, pointing at the whiskey. I shook my head and he snatched it up and downed the rest of it, making a face as it made its way down.

Hamish began to walk towards the door, grabbing his jacket and keys. “Alright, let’s go,” He said to me as he walked out the door. I followed him, waving bye to  
Randall. He waved back and wiggled his eyebrows in a suggestive way. I rolled my eyes at him.

_He’s childish,_ I reminded myself fondly, never wanting it any other way.

When we were outside, I looked around, not noticing a car other than Randall’s. “Where’s your car?” I asked, looking at Hamish. He just gave me a small smile as he began to walk. “Not here,” He said simply. “The place where I’m taking you isn’t that far from here,” He said, slowing his pace to match mine. “And tomorrow I’ll have Randall or Lilith take you out to get some clothes,”

I gave a nod as we walked in the lightening sky, the bright stars and constellations slowly disappearing to my disappointment.


	5. Rum Sunset

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This Chapter will have some smut in it, along with some flash backs from her blackout (it gets gory, but that depends on what you consider gory).  
> If you don't want to read it, stop reading when you read "Hamish was still sitting in on the floor," And pick back up in the next chapter!

We walked in silence the whole way to this mysterious place. All the while I admired the fading stars, trying to decipher constellations and making up my own.

I broke the brief silence with myself speaking. “I wonder if I’ll ever meet someone who will love me as much as I love the stars…” I thought aloud quietly. Almost too quiet for Hamish to hear me. If Hamish did hear me, he didn’t say anything.

Hamish barely looked at me. Well, I wasn’t sure if he did or not. I wasn’t looking at him.

The sidewalk that we were on led up to an apartment building, the sun well past noon. 

_Short walk my ass,_ I thought as I looked up at the building, then at Hamish. 

“You want me to stay here?” I asked, awed by how expensive it looked. Hamish gave a nod, holding the door open for me. “Yeah, this is my apartment,” He said, pressing the button for the elevator. Soft elevator music filled the quiet room as we ascended the floors. When the door opened, Hamish then lead me to a door, unlocking it, and letting me walk in first.

I gaped at the place. It looked like someone with real money could afford. I didn’t say anything, as I was just tired and not feeling myself. “Did you need anything to drink?” Hamish asked. “Water?” He prompted.

I ignored that suggestion. “What about a cocktail? Rum Sunset?” I asked, hoping he knows how to make it. Hamish blew out a sigh and gave a chuckle. “Starting strong,” He commented as he walked to the kitchen and was pulling out two cocktail glasses. “I like that,” He said faintly. I caught the words, but I think he didn’t intend for me to hear them.

Hamish dug through his fridge, pulling out some orange juice and an opened bottle of grenadine. He then disappeared in a side room and came back a moment later with a bottle of rum in his hand. As he was putting the ingredients together, he glanced at me from time to time as I was walking around and admiring the decorations in the apartment. 

The apartment itself was pretty open and organized, like someone either wasn’t here too often or had a person clean the place. The entryway lead into a huge space, a mix of a dining room and living room, and the kitchen off to one side. There was a hallway that probably lead to bedrooms, which I will investigate later. I walked into the living room and looked around there, running a hand over the back of a leather couch.

“Here you go,” Hamish announced, walking over with two drinks in his hands, and giving me one of them. The cocktail looked just as I remembered, when my grandmother had made them when I was younger. She never let me have a sip, but that never stopped me from trying. When I had turned the legal age to drink, I asked her to make it for me. She did one better, though. She taught me how, among other things.

I took a sip of what Hamish had made. I gave a groan as it went down into my insides. “This is so good,” I commented, going over to where the couch was and sitting down. “This taste almost as good as how my grandmother used to make them, maybe better,” I said, moving the lime garnish out of anxiety. I stared down at the drink and gave an unwanted and tired sigh.

Hamish must have noticed the way I looked. “Are you really okay?” Hamish asked. I gave a nod. “Yeah,” I lied. “I’m fine.”

Hamish looked at me over the rim of his glass. “No, you’re not,” He finally said after swallowing the drink. “I know that look,” Hamish sat down beside me, angling his body so that he was attentive to our conversation. I gave a sigh as I picked up my glass to drink. I felt its effects almost immediately after this second consumption.

“You’re right,” I said, taking a third sip. Then a fourth. I needed time—and more alcohol in me—before I spilled my guts to anyone. “All I want to be is a good person,” I whispered. “And not hurt others,”

Hamish was quiet, taking a sip of his drink. “That’s the goal we try to achieve,” Hamish whispered back. We both sat there in silence. I took a fifth sip, then a sixth. 

God this drink was good.

“I just don’t want to feel guilty anymore,” I slurred. I held my liquor, but I got drunk really fast. Hamish seemed, to me in my state of mind, unfazed by the alcohol in his system. Then again, comparing our glasses, mine is emptier than his. I closed my eyes and leaned against the couch, feeling exhausted. I wanted to just give up. I didn’t want to feel anything anymore. 

Especially this headache.

I hadn’t realized I was crying until Hamish spoke up. “Did you need a napkin or anything?” I wiped my cheeks with my sleeve, shaking my head. “You know, it is okay to not be okay, Mazikeen,” He said, his cheeks flushed. 

_Why were they flushed?_ I asked myself, my mind foggy. I gave a lazy, drunk, sad smile. I took another sip, the last one. I put the empty glass down, barely making it on the table.

I looked at Hamish. “You know, you’re kinda cute,” I slurred. I gave him my best smile, avoiding topics of sadness and guilt. Hamish seemed to not mind my drunkenness, because he returned my smile, his pupils dilated. I tried to get up gracefully, grabbing my glass, and stumbled over to where Hamish had made the drinks. I poured more in my glass, almost spilling it, and drank some of it. All the while I was doing this, Hamish adjusted his body so he can watch me.

I felt dizzy, my mind fogging up and I kept replaying what I saw earlier in my mind over and over again, making me cry. I wanted to sink into the floor and disappear. 

To let the earth swallow me up and make me not exist anymore. I didn’t want Hamish to see me like this, but here I am. Drunk, sitting on the floor in his clothes, feeling like absolute shit.

I hate mood swings.

I heard Hamish get up and walk into the kitchen where I was. He sat down his glass on the counter and slid down on the floor beside me, giving a heavy sigh. I leaned against him, vulnerable, as I cried silently. He sat there letting me cry on him until he moved slightly. I lifted my head up and scooted away, suddenly realizing what I was doing. “I’m sorry,” I instantly said. Hamish shook his head. “It’s okay, Mazikeen.” He looked at me, his eyes reflecting empathy for me. 

“You don’t have to be sorry,” He said softly, leaning forward a little bit. 

My breath hitched. _What is he doing?_ I asked myself, not moving a muscle. I was afraid if I moved, he would realize what he’s doing and stop. And I don’t think I want him to stop.

His lips were a breath away from mine, his gray-blue eyes boring into my pale-blue ones, asking permission. I didn’t have time to think about my actions, but I seemed to be on autopilot as I leaned in the rest of the way. 

My lips brushed lightly against his as I angled my body to face him. Hamish grabbed me by my waist and pulled me on his lap. His mouth tasted like the margaritas we had drank, an intoxicating and sweet combination.

Hamish kissed me tenderly at first, as did I, but as we continued, it grew incredibly addicting. Hamish bit my bottom lip and slid his mouth over and began to kiss down my neck. Hamish skimmed over sensitive flesh, making me give a small smile, my hands running through his hair, my eyes closed. I was loving the warmth that seeped through me, overpowering the guilt I had felt earlier for a split second. Spitfire was very present, humming in satisfaction in my mind, the feeling of want washed over me.

His lips found mine again and kissed me sweeter this time. For a split second, I was thinking clearly, and by fault of that, the sadness and guilt came crashing down again and I wrenched myself away from his warm embrace. I stumbled away and got up shakily. I hated myself, so therefore I shouldn’t enjoy this, right? I felt Spitfire stir under my skin.

“I-I’m sorry, Hamish, but I-” I stuttered for the right words, my mind getting clouded again. “I can’t do this-” I finally said. 

Hamish was still sitting in on the floor, his legs still out in front of him and a very noticeable bulge in his pants. His hair was messy from me running my hands through it, and his lips were parted in confusion. I was trembling, but I tried to look confident to back up what I just said. 

“Mazikeen, you can’t say that-” Hamish got up, and walked to where I stood. “Tell me you don’t feel… something.” He whispered.

I did. I felt something and it was an intoxicating feeling and it felt good—so, _so_ good. But I didn’t deserve it. Before I could say anything, Hamish kissed me again, pushing me up against the counter. His hands found their way to my hips and held me in place. 

I didn’t move. I couldn’t. 

I felt his core push up against mine and I gave out an unexpected gasp. That gave Hamish enough time to slip his tongue in and entangle it with mine.  
Despite myself, I kissed him back with longing and lust. It might be the alcohol running their course, but I don’t care. Tonight was only that.  
Tonight. 

Nothing more… right? 

I pressed my body against his, wrapping my arms around his neck. I couldn’t help myself. The attraction was too strong. I was like a moth to a flame.  
Or more accurately put, gasoline and fire. Because that was what we were, right? We weren’t good for each other.

I pulled away for a second, but it was long enough to say, “Bedroom. Now.”

Hamish didn’t miss a beat as he picked me up with ease, my legs finding their way around his waist, and walked me to a neatly made bedroom. He didn’t bother with the door, cause we’re the only people in the apartment. He dropped us on the bed, him on top and me on bottom. I looked up at him as I laid there, the setting suns warm glow casting golden light across his skin. He looked down at me, his eyes showing want—no, _need._

Soon, our clothes were thrown into oblivion, somewhere discarded on the floor. The only thing that we had on were our underwear. Hamish was kissing down my neck, over my shoulder, and along my collarbone. He gave a growl, saying, “This needs to come off,” 

I hesitantly unhooked my grey lacey bra—thanks to Lilith that is—and Hamish grabbed it and threw it somewhere behind him. “This too,” He said about the matching underwear, as he took off his own. I gave him a sly smile as I did, keeping eye contact. He reached over me to the nightstand, digging in it and found a packet of condoms. He tore one open and rolled it on.

He looked at me, eyes scanning my naked body, showing pleasure as he leaned over me.

He kissed me. 

Hamish’s hand found the inner part of my thighs and pulled them apart so he could get closer to me. In that process, I rolled him over, making him be bottom and me top. He gave a silent growl as I did this, obviously not used to being on bottom. 

He’ll have to get used to it.

I gave a snarky smirk as I looked down at him, naked, laying on his back. I gave a low groan as I ground my hips, my core against his member. Hamish gave a gasping sound, his hands finding my hips and digging his nails—wait, claws—into the flesh there, not expecting me to do that. I leaned forward and dragged my teeth over his chest, nipping him and leaving love-bites scattered across his skin. To my disappointment healed rather quickly.

“M-Mazikeen-” Hamish stuttered out; voice raw with bliss.

My brain was clouded and I didn’t fully realize what I was doing. I have never been this loose with anyone before, or this daring. I’ve only ever really slept with a handful of guys, but they were always one-night stands and it meant nothing to me.

Lost in my thoughts, this gave Hamish the opportunity to flip me back on bottom and himself on top. I gave a gasp and bit into his neck hard enough to taste the copper taste of blood. I felt his heart beat faster as he lined himself up to my core, and began to thrust into me, slow at first. Hamish’s head sank against my neck and collarbone, kissing and sucking the skin there. 

He held my arms and my hands above my head and pushed up against me. His other hand braced against the bed, holding himself up. I gave a low moan as he repeatedly hit my g-spot as he picked up speed.

“I’m gonna fuck you until your legs are weak and you’re sore,” Hamish promised in a low and husky tone, making me groan as he thrusted harder into me. He got one of my legs and put it up on his shoulder so he could go deeper inside of me. I was so caught up in the pleasure I almost missed what he was saying.

“You like this? You like how deep I am inside you?” He asked rhetorically, knowing I can’t respond. I was about to reach my climax before he abruptly stopped.

 _Fucking tease,_ I thought.

Hamish pulled out and rolled me over on my knees, letting my arms go. I looked back at him over my shoulder. He gave a smirk as he entered me from behind, my mouth twisting in pleasure at this new angle. 

Hamish pushed me into the bed roughly, one hand gripping my hip and the other in my hair, having his way with me. 

“You like that? You like it when I go rough with you?” Hamish said with a hint snarl in his words. He continued to thrust, and result to that, I felt sharp claws dig into the fleshy part of my hip. I gripped the sheets with such force, that they bunched up tightly. I vaguely processed that my own claws were out, shredding the thin fabric.

I moaned Hamish’s name into the mattress as I felt his length throb against the walls. The pleasure was so intense that I was squirming and twitching against him; that made him only go faster.

Hamish gave out a low groan as I felt him tense against me. I knew what was going to happen. I pushed myself back against him, arching my back downwardly where my ass was up, rolling my hips as I reached my own climax, my walls clenching around him. Hamish gave a groan that sounded close to _'Oh, fuck'_ as I tensed around him, that making him go over the edge and spilling into the condom. 

My name was said by Hamish just as I said his. His thrusting slowed as his member went soft. Hamish adjusted his legs trying to straighten himself up, causing friction inside my sensitive core and pleasure radiated through me making me gasp.

We both were breathing hard. Hamish let go of my hip, and unclenching the fist in my hair, and pulled out. I rolled over, looking at Hamish. I gave a deep sigh as I just noticed his eyes change from a silver to their normal gray-blue. Mine must have been the same way, because I noticed that I made tear marks in the bed with my sharp claws, which had turned back to normal thankfully.

Hamish took off the condom, tying it off, and throwing it away in the trash can beside the nightstand. He collapsed beside me, pulling at the covers until they were on top of us. I breathed in his scent as Hamish pulled me against himself, my back to his chest. We were so close together that I felt every curve, every bump, and every breath that Hamish took.

My eyes began to close as he ran his hand through my wavy-curly hair.

I fell asleep against Hamish, listening to his heartbeat’s lullaby.


	6. Mistakes

_My heartbeat grew quicker with each stride I took. My breath became quicker with each fast heartbeat. The thrill of the chase._

_All I could see was the animal in front of me. I chased it, dodging trees and bushes, leaping over dead logs and roots. I finally caught up to the scared, pitiful creature, jumping on its back as I snarled. The creature fell on the ground with a thump. I gave a feral growl as I flipped the creature over only to see… to see..._

_Lydia._

_I saw the fear in her eyes as I stared down at her. I smelled the sweet scent of it wafting around me. I licked my chops as I looked down. I dragged her by her legs back to the house._

_Once there, and inside, hunger reverberated through me. All at once, I dove down and my jaws crushed her windpipe as she gave out a scream-_

I was shaken awake by Hamish. He was beside me, and looking at me with worry and concern in his eyes. “Z? Are you okay?” He asked tiredly, his voice husky and filled with sleep. “What’s wrong?”

I was breathing heavily, my heart racing and my voice raw. I must’ve screamed in my sleep.

“I-I had-d a nightma-are,” I stuttered out, my voice shaking. Hamish pulled me against his chest. “It’s all right,” He murmured comfortingly, half asleep. “It was only a dream,” Hamish looked at me, wiping the tears that seemed to be rolling down my cheeks. I gave him a nod, but didn’t believe him. 

I _really_ wasn’t believing it. “But it seemed so real,” I said, trying to wrap my head around the all-too-real dream I had just had. 

“So, tell me about it,” He said, letting me go so I could sit up properly. I gave a sigh. 

“I was running.” I started. “I was running after… something. I wasn’t in my human form, I know that. I was... feral,” I shuddered. “I then tackled my… prey to the ground and saw that it was Lydia, my… friend,” I gave out a silent sob at the word friend. I couldn’t do this. This pressure of guilt weighed me down, making me feel like I was drowning in air.

“It’s okay, take your time, Z,” Hamish murmured, rubbing my back comfortingly. 

“Then- Then I ate her, Hamish,” I said, looking at him with a sorrowful expression. _“I ate her,”_ I emphasized. I cried harder. I hated myself for having this meltdown in front of Hamish. I hated myself even more for waking him up in the middle of the night.

And boy did my head hurt. 

My head was pounding, not because of the really real dream, but also from the hangover from last night. That got my attention and I almost—almost—stopped crying. 

I looked at where I was and who I was with. I scooted backwards to the edge of the bed, my face heating up as I wiped away tears. 

_Oh my God,_ I thought. I looked under the covers to see myself naked. My mind was reeling. “Did-” I started, and shut my mouth, rethinking my question. 

“Why am I in bed with you?” I asked dumbly. I suddenly felt awkward. Hamish seemed wide awake now. He seemed to have noticed too.

His formal and guarded self slipped back in place as he straightened his posture, rubbing his head. “I- I have no idea,” He started. “My head is killing me, so I assume we drank and-” He suddenly stopped talking and it looked as if he was remembering something that I didn’t.

“Oh, shit,” He said, looking a lot more flushed than I am, running a hand through his tousled hair. 

I looked at him. “ _‘Oh, shit’_ what?” I asked, trying so desperately to remember. I remembered drinking and him asking me what was wrong, but after that was kind of fuzzy, like looking through thick, clear plastic. Like something was on the tip of my tongue and I can’t say it. 

“What did we do?” I asked, almost scared for the answer, and hoping we got no farther than taking clothes off and possibly kissing. 

Hamish gave me a sheepish look, one that isn’t a good one. “I-I barely remember myself,” He lied. His tell was him averting my gaze and rubbing the back of his neck. 

“You liar,” I exclaimed. “You do know, or at least have a good idea of what we did last night,”

Hamish was quiet for a moment, collecting his thoughts. “We, uh,” He started. “Had…” Hamish gave a suggestive look and motioned between us. “Intercourse,” He mumbled out so softly that I barely caught it.

 _We had sex?!_ I thought in dismay. I hated how that idea didn’t bother me the way it would have. Should have, I corrected myself. I took a deep breath, remembering what happened after we got here. Hamish had made me a drink I requested. Then we started talking...

_His lips found mine again and kissed me sweeter this time. For a split second, I was thinking clearly, and by fault of that, the sadness and guilt came crashing down again and I wrenched myself away from his warm embrace. I stumbled away and got up shakily. I hated myself, so therefore I shouldn’t enjoy this, right?  
“I-I’m sorry, Hamish, but I-” I stuttered for the right words, my mind getting clouded again. “I can’t do this-” I finally said._

I remembered that much, after that was a blur, something I probably won’t recall for a few days’ time at most. I looked over at Hamish. “Is that all we did?” I asked, as if having sex wasn’t bad enough.

Hamish shook his head. “Nothing that I recall,” He said.

I gave a groan, putting my hands over my face. “You know how awkward this is?” I said through my hands. “Not as awkward as this is to me,” Hamish replied. “I should have known better,”

I peeked through my fingers at him. “This-” I pulled my hands away, gesturing between us, “-was just last night. Nothing more,” I said. I saw a flash of hurt in Hamish’s eyes, but it was so brief that I thought I imagined it. “This was a mistake,” I said quietly. As soon as those words were out, I instantly felt bad.

Hamish gave an enthusiastic nod after a moment of hesitation. “Oh, yes, of course,” He said, agreeing quickly, eyebrows furrowing together and him giving a serious face as he continued to nod. That gave me suspicion, but I shrugged it off. We both sat there in the semi-darkness, not speaking and left alone in our own minds.

“Is there a spare bedroom?” I asked finally. Hamish gave a nod, going to get up until he remembered that he was, in fact, naked. “Oh, uh, I’ll look this way-” I said, averting my eyes to where the door is while Hamish grabbed the comforter, taking it with him and using it as a shield so just in case I looked on accident.

Or on purpose. I’m still a female with hormones, so don’t blame me for sneaking a peak at something I was too drunk to remember.

He left me with the sheet to cover myself up with while he threw on pants. “I’ll go get it ready for you, Mazikeen,” he said.  
It hadn’t struck me yet, but it sounded off when he said my full name. I didn’t dwell on it as he walked out to leave me alone so I could dress just enough to move rooms.

Getting up, I was already sore; my core felt raw and my legs were wobbly. I threw on underwear and Hamish’s shirt I had been wearing the day before, and followed where Hamish had disappeared to with the rest of my borrowed clothes.

I found Hamish easily enough in a spare room, getting the bed made for me to sleep in. “I haven’t had visitors here in a long time, so the bed wasn’t made since I had washed the sheets last,” He informed, trying to avoid looking at me and focused on the task at hand.

I stood there awkwardly, not knowing what to be doing or saying. It’s not like I’ll be saying _‘oh, that’s so cool,’_ like an idiot. So, I just ended up looking down at my bare feet.

“There you go, do you need anything else?” He asked, making me look at him. He stood there, shirtless, his pants hanging low, his hands at his hips. 

_I had my legs there last night._ I instantly thought and that made my heart speed up slightly, my face reddening at the thought. Normally if I think about something like that, my stomach would be assaulted by butterflies and my heart would feel like it would leap out of my chest. 

But not this time, for some reason. The feeling was more of like going to get something you wanted forever. That excitement in your gut, that anticipation you feel with that knowledge, then the satisfaction of getting it.

“No, I’m fine for right now,” I said, skirting past him awkwardly to the bed. “Thank you for… making the bed for me,” I added quickly.

Hamish studied me for a minute, seeming to look through me and see what I was feeling. “No problem, Mazikeen,” He said with a soft guarded smile. He turned to leave, but his name left my lips, calling back his attention.

“We’re not gonna, um, speak of this to anyone, right?” I improvised a question quickly. In truth, I didn’t think of what I was going to say when I impulsively said his name. 

Hamish gave me a reassuring look. “I promise not to tell anyone,” He said. “Now go to sleep,” He said quietly, shutting off the light and closing the door behind him.  
I fell back on the bed with a great sigh.

I fucked Hamish. The person who helped me. The person who saved me from freezing to death from the cold.

How were things going to get back to normal now?

I closed my eyes, trying to get past the nights’ wild events in bed, and the disturbing dream that still stuck with me, and tried to remember the previous events leading up to this point; the time when I blacked out. I couldn’t really remember anything but that dream.

Maybe it was just a dream.

 _But what if it was a memory, and not a dream at all?_ I asked myself. It’s highly possible. But right now, I needed sleep. I soon fell asleep after burrowing under the cold covers, and after feeling loneliness seeping through me.


	7. Thrift Shops

I woke with a start, my pulse beating and my skin slick with sweat. My head hurt even worse than it did earlier, and the light from the new day didn’t help any. I cringed as I looked over to my right, the windows blinds were open, letting in light. 

It wasn’t like that last night.

I looked over at the nightstand to see two round pills and a glass of water. There was a small slip of paper under them. I picked it up and read the neat handwriting. The neatest writing I have ever seen a guy write.

_Mazikeen,_

_I left to go and find Randall and Lilith to see how they’re doing, and to tell them to meet you at the apartment. If you’re hungry, I made some food for you while you were sleeping. I also set out some clothes for you to wear for today until you got your own. Take the pills before you eat, though._

_If you need anything, call me._

_Hamish_

_541-626-7281_

I couldn’t help but smile. “At least he was thoughtful and left a note,” I muttered as I got up. I looked around for the clothes, and saw them sitting on a chair. I got up, grabbing the clothes, and went to take a quick shower.

When I walked back into the room, I downed the pills with the water, slipped my phone and the note in my pocket, and made my way to the kitchen. When I got there, I looked for the food that was mentioned in the note that Hamish had written. I found some oatmeal in a bowl in the microwave. It was still warm, so Hamish must’ve left a few minutes before I woke up. I heated it up before eating it.

It was apple cinnamon. I ate it in three minutes flat. Not that I was counting or anything.

After I had eaten, my head was feeling significantly better, and decided to go out and walk around. I saw another not by the door, and picked it up.

_Mazikeen,_

_Please be careful. Lock up the apartment, and there is a spare key wedged in the bottom left corner of the doorframe. Take that when you lock up. I don’t want you to get locked out. Randall should be there shortly._

_Here is a card to get you some clothes and necessities. The pin is 0703._

_Hamish_

I gave a soft smile. I tucked the note and card into my pocket, making sure I didn’t forget anything, and walked out, locking the door behind me. I looked where Hamish said the key would be, and smiled when I found it. “Nice,” I muttered as I walked down the stairs instead of taking the elevator, and outside in the daylight.

I sat on the steps and waited. 

It wasn’t long before I saw Randall’s car pull up. I gave a smile as I walked up. “Hey,” I said as I opened the passenger side door. Randall gave me a smile as his music poured out of the car.

“Ready to spend Hamish’s money?” He asked, his smile growing wider. I rolled my eyes as I sat inside. I shut the door and we were off.

I looked over at Randall and asked, “Are there any good thrift shops here?” 

Randall considered this question, then gave a nod. “Yeah, I know of a few good places. You want to go to them?” He asked. I nodded my head.

Randall drove to the closest one to us, and I got out, looking at the little store. Walking in it was the smell only thrift shops smelled of, and I was happy, despite what had occurred the day before. I walked around with Randall in tow and began picking and choosing shirts, pants, a few shoes, and some bathroom items. 

I tried them all on—for the exception of bathroom supplies—and all Randall had to say, unenthusiastically, was, “Those look awesome on you,”

We walked out of there spending thirty five dollars, when most of the clothes would have been more in a store.

We went through the other thrift shop in similar fashion; grabbing and trying on clothes that Randall seemed to like, or pretended to, which was no help.

On the way back, Randall stopped by someplace, grabbed the card that Hamish let me use, and walked inside. He returned a few minutes later with two coffee cups and a big bag of fruit snacks. I gave him a smile as he got back inside the car, handing me one of the cups. I drank my coffee just the way it was as Randall poured some sugar in his.

It was past noon when Randall dropped me back off at Hamish’s apartment armed with shopping bags and a bag of half full fruit snacks. “Thank you for bearing with me through this,” I said, holding up the bags full of clothes. Randall gave me a smile.

“No problem. It was… really fun,” He said. The look in his eyes gave away that it wasn’t for him, and that Randall rather to have spent the money elsewhere. I gave him a laugh. “Well, nonetheless, thank you,”

Randall said goodbye and peeled out of the parking lot just as I was walking to the elevators to go up into the apartment.

I dropped the things off in the spare room, and gave a heavy sigh.

“What am I gonna do now,” I said to myself, eating some of the gummy fruits, taking the clothes out of the bags and folding them. Then I got an idea. I selected an outfit and quickly changed into it.

I chose black and white plaid pants, a white shirt, and Hamish’s long coat. The shoes were some really cute boots I had found. I looked at myself in the mirror when I changed into the outfit, pulling my hair into a curly mess of a bun. I put my phone in my pocket, along with the notes, the card, and the key.

Time to go and look around the place.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, short chapter, but next one will be a little longer! I promise!!


	8. Blade and Chalice

I looked around when I got outside and remembered the way Hamish and I had come from, and decided to take the opposite way. Walking along the path for quite a while, I ended up near a building. I looked up at it, shielding my eyes from the light.

The building was called _Blade and Chalice_. “Funny name,” I remarked as I walked in.

The place was busy, but not like a bar would back home. I took an open seat at the bar. The bartender looked at me and gave a smile. “Anything I could get you?” She asked. 

“Can I have some water, please?” I said, giving her my best and polite smile. I looked around at the place. It seemed like something my dad would go to on a Friday night with his buddies after work. I barely got my glass of water when someone sat down beside me.

“Hello,” The person said. “Isn’t it a bit early for day drinking?” They said.

I looked over to see a very handsome man in a beanie. His hair was sandy blonde and had beautiful green eyes. His teeth were oddly straight and white, which threw me off.

He’s no Hamish.

“Er, hi?” I said, taking a sip of my water. 

“My name is Trevor,” He said, looking at me and not making a move to shake hands or anything. “Trevor Wilson,” I gave him a suspicious look.

“Well, Trevor, what are you doing sitting here. I don’t talk to people I don’t know,” I said ironically, thinking back at how I met Hamish, Randall, and Lilith.

“Well, if it makes you feel better, I’d like to get to know you,” Trevor said, looking at me with big hopeful eyes. For some reason, that look repulsed me. Well, not me exactly, but it repulsed Spitfire.

But it also intrigued me at the same time. This guy seemed nice enough, and he can probably make me forget about things for a while…

“Okay,” I said, then added, “Trevor.” I sipped on my water, looking at him over the rim of my glass. Trevor gave me a beaming smile. “It would be helpful to know your name,” He pointed out.

I shook my head, smiling. “Sorry, my name is Mazikeen Sage,” I said, setting down my glass. Trevor looked at me funny. “Is that some sort of nickname you give yourself, or stage name?” He asked. I couldn’t help but laugh. “No, God given,” I said jokingly. 

Trevor gave a shrug. “Alright, then, Mazie,” 

I gave a flinch. “I don’t like nicknames,” I said flatly. “Especially that one,” I didn’t want Trevor to use nicknames in general only because he was a person she barely knew, and I didn’t trust him fully yet.

Trevor held up his hands in defense. “You don’t have to tell me twice, Mazikeen,” He said, saying my name as if it was a lemon. I gave him a grateful smile. “Thanks, Trevor,” I said as I focused back on my drink.

“Wanna get out of here?” He said. Trevor was still looking at me, never taking his green eyes off me. I felt like a bug under a microscope. But maybe that feeling was wrong. Maybe it’s because I read way too much romance novels.

I gave a shrug. “Why not, I have nothing planned for today, anyways,” I said, drinking one last drink of my water before getting up. I forgot that I didn’t have a wallet or money, that he knew of, and I stood there awkwardly. “Um...” I said. Trevor seemed to notice, and shook his head. “The water here is free,” He reassured me.

I gave a sigh of relief as I stood up and rubbed my hands against my thighs.

“Ready to go?” Trevor asked, a look of pure mischief gleamed in his eyes. I gave a nod, smiling hesitantly. Trevor led me from the campus bar and out into a direction I didn’t know.

“Where are you taking me?” I asked, looking around at my surroundings. It was still a busy part of campus, but at this time of day, it seemed slow. Trevor flashed a smile. “Don’t worry, I won’t take you anywhere too creepy or anything,” He said.

A part of me didn’t trust him, and the other part wanted to. I followed silently behind, looking around anxiously as the scenery became more forest-y and less student packed. 

We finally seemed to reach his desired destination, it being a secluded part of campus. He turned to me, walking backwards as music drifted from somewhere. I couldn’t help but laugh as Trevor looked at me. “You’re taking me to a party?” I asked.

Trevor gave a childish shrug. “Most of my friends like to party, like, all the time,” He said, turning back around and leading me to the place where the music was coming from. When we reached a clearing, I looked around. There was a house here, but it was long forgotten as the ruins showed. It was withering and the stone seemed to crumble with each beat of the bass. “Is it even safe here?” I asked cautiously.

“Oh yeah. I wouldn’t have taken you here otherwise,” He said, walking up to the seemingly unstable building. When we were inside, it was semi-packed with people. 

They all hold plastic cups, bottles, or someone else. Smoke filled the air, it smelling heavily of weed. I coughed as I took a deep breath.  
Trevor led me through the crowd and into the back of the death trap. “Jay! Where the hell are you at?!” He called over the music. Someone came up from behind us, snaking an arm around my waist. Out of reflex, I threw my elbow into the person’s stomach. I twisted out of their drunk grip, and faced them, anger flaring through me.

“Whoa, baby, it’s all an accident. I thought you were someone else-” The dude slurred. I promptly spun around and walked the other way.

Waste of my precious time.

I turned back to find Trevor staring at me, amusement in his eyes. “Dope,” was all he said, and continued to find this Jay person.

We found him outside with a group of guys, laughing and drinking whatever was in their cups. “Yo, Jay! I want you to meet someone!” Trevor called over to the group as we approached. Most gave a low whistle as I walked up, and the others gave me stares. “Jay, meet Mazikeen. Mazikeen, meet my buddy Jay,” Trevor said, gesturing to a black haired guy. He looked dangerous, like, eating nails for breakfast sort of guy.

He stared at me with a calculating look before his face broke out in an adorable smile. He came forward and bear-hugged me. I struggled to breathe as he hugged me. 

When I was sure I was gonna die via lack of oxygen, Jay sat me down. I quickly took a step or two back, hugging myself. But not in a ‘I’m scared’ way. 

“Um, hi,” I said to Jay. Jay just smiled.

Trevor then said, “Oh, my bad, Jay doesn’t speak much,” He said, giving me a smile. “He’s a great listener though,” Trevor laughed, giving his friend a pat on the shoulder.

“Anyways,” Trevor said. “I wanted you to meet him, and maybe we can, you know, be friends?” He asked. I opened my mouth, then closed it. “You brought me here to ask me that?” I clarified.

Trevor looked over at Jay, then back at me. “Well, I just wanted to be in my element-” He cut himself off as a cheer erupted close by. I looked over there and saw another group of people crowded around. 

“They’re just playing some drinking game,” Trevor reassured me. _Like I didn’t know that…_ I thought sarcastically, but gave a smile anyways. 

I was gonna open my mouth to say something, but was interrupted by someone once again bumping into me. This time I was really angry. I couldn’t help it. I whirled around, baring my teeth, and growling out, “Watch it,” 

It was that same dude from earlier. He held up his hands in surrender, giving a hungry smile only reserved for douchebags wanting to hit on a girl. “Sorry,” He chuckled, stepping away dramatically like I pushed him for show.

I gave him one last, mean look before turning back around and facing Trevor. “Hey, I want to go,” I said, looking up at the sky. It was probably around five or six o’clock. 

Trevor gave a wild smile. “The party’s just getting started,” He said, slinging an arm around my shoulders. I couldn’t help it. He was adorably cute and very charismatic. I pulled off his beanie and put it on myself, flashing him a smile.

Trevor didn’t mind that I took his beanie, and let me wear it. I happened to see something out of the corner of my eye and my heart stopped beating. 

I saw the long brown hair and pale skin.

“Lydia?” I asked aloud, turning my head in the direction. But I didn’t see anyone there. After all this, it came crashing back down. 

The guilt, the shame, the fear. All of it.

I squirmed from underneath Trevor's arm, feeling my eyes fill with tears as I asked where the bathroom was. Trevor said where it was, looking concerned, but was brought into a conversation about cars and races and forgot all about me.

“Lady problems,” Was all I said to him before ducking out and finding the bathroom place. 

Rushing over there, I sank into the earth that was secluded from the party. I pulled my knees up against my chest, burying my head into my knees as I cried softly.

_Licking my bloody chops, I lifted my head and looked up at the sky. I gave a single, long-noted howl. I waited for one in return, but heard nothing._

_My ears drooped and I stood up to my full height, and ran._

_I ran and ran and ran._

_I didn’t know where I was going, or what I was to do when I got there, but I kept running-_

“-zikeen?” I hear someone shout. “Mazikeen?!” 

It was Trevor.

“Over here,” I said, lifting up my head. Trevor soon found me sitting on the ground. “Hey, are you alright?” He asked, crouching beside me and looking at me with concern. “What happened?”

I gave a shake of my head. “I guess I just got overwhelmed,” I replied, wiping my eyes. 

“I’m sorry I didn’t listen to you, I can take you back to _Blade and Chalice_ if you still want to leave,” Trevor offered kindly.

I gave him a smile. “That would be great,” I murmured, getting up and dusting off the pants that I bought with Hamish’s money.

Hamish. 

I hadn’t given him a thought since earlier this morning.

I shrugged it off as I walked back with Trevor to the route they had taken to get here. I looked around at the darkening sky. It was a royal blue with orange-pink clouds from the sun sinking low in the sky. “Here we are,” Trevor said, giving her a toothy grin.

“Here we are,” I agreed. I was about to turn when I saw that Trevor wanted to say something.

“Do you have a number or anything I can reach you by?” Trevor asked shyly. I gave him a smile as I pulled out my phone. I hadn’t memorized my number yet, so I had to search for it in my phone. Once I found it, I rattled off the digits to Trevor, who typed them into his phone.

“Cool,” He commented to himself as he pocketed his phone. “Guess I’ll talk to you later,” He said, waving a goodbye and walking backwards.

I waved goodbye as well, walking away.

Maybe this is a good start from a poor mistake.


	9. Isn't it Love?

Walking up the stairs just as the sun dipped out of sight in the sky, I opened and unlocked door, and found a frowning Hamish sitting in the living room.

“Where were you today?” He asked curiously, in a friendly but prying manner.

“I went to this bar called… what was it,” I tried to remember, snapping my fingers. “ _Blade and Chalice?_ “ I said questioningly at first, trying to remember the name. 

“Yeah, _Blade and Chalice,_ ” I said, fairly positive I got the name right.

Hamish gave me a look before shrugging his shoulders. “Great place to hang out,” Hamish commented.

“You know the place?” I asked before I thought it through. Hamish gave a curt nod. “Yeah, quite frequently actually, with Randall and Lilith. Sometimes we go there to celebrate things,” He gave a slight grin, taking a sip of his drink.

“I also went with Randall to a couple of thrift shops,” I said as I gave him a slight smile. My phone chirped just then, ruining the moment. I looked down, pulling it out as a number shown on the screen with a text.

 _Wanna get some drinks Friday night?_ It read.

Trevor.

I typed in a “yes” reply and looked back up to see Hamish studying me. “What?” I asked, nervously laughing.

“Oh, nothing,” He said, with amusement in his eyes. “It’s just that you’re blushing-” He cut himself off before he said anything more. I rolled my eyes, sitting on the couch. Hamish tensed, his breath hitching. There was at least three feet of empty space between us, so why was he acting like this?

My phone chirped again.

 _I’ll meet you at B &C around 7._ It read.

I smiled again, typing “okay, see you then”. This time, Hamish had a pretty clear view of my phones’ screen, and gave a scoff.

“Okay, what is it?” I asked, looking at him, my smile vanishing.

“Nothing,” Hamish replied in a somewhat clipped and tight tone. Like he always says this as a ‘go-to’ response.

“No, there’s something and I want to know what it is,” I said, demanding an explanation.

Hamish gave a sigh. “Yeah,” He finally said. “There is something, and it’s bothering me like a thorn on my side. I know we were drunk, but-” He cut himself off, he had a look of a three year old knowing that he had been caught lying, but doesn't want to say.

“Go on,” I prompted, intrigued on where this was going.

“You were the one girl that I slept with after-” He cut himself off again, his voice getting choked up. “The one that I let my guard down with and you’re already lining up a date? The day after you said it was a mistake. The day after we slept together, nonetheless,” He pointed out.

“You think I’m lining up for another date?” I asked, my tone accusing and barely higher than a whisper. 

“I do,” He confirmed. He gave a sigh, and said quietly. “I thought we had something,”

My heart was torn. Shattered actually.

On one hand was someone who gets me and knows what it’s like to live a secret life; someone who might even care about me instead of trying to use me. The other was someone fresh; someone new who didn’t understand the complex part of myself. Someone disposable.

“After Cassie- After her, I thought I wouldn’t feel this way again.” Hamish said softly, looking at his hands. “When I met you, and saw you smile, it gave me a reason to love again, which is something I promised to never do.” He whispered. I looked at him looking at his hands. Fresh tears welled in my eyes. 

God I hate myself. 

First killing someone then leading someone on? Do I really feel the same way Hamish seems to feel?

I got up from where I sat, looking at Hamish as he looked up at me. I saw hurt in his eyes and I knew I had to break this connection. _It’s the right thing to do… Wasn’t it?_ I thought.

I took a deep breath, tears falling. “You never loved me,” I started. “Not really. You just love the way I made you feel that night,” I said, trying to sound brave, but I just sounded tired and sad. 

This isn’t about Hamish anymore. 

It was about me.

I don’t want to ruin another relationship. Never wanted someone to fall for me and get cut with my broken pieces. I’m too dangerous to be around. “I’m not who you think I am. You liked the idea of something that isn’t there, Hamish,” I said. “Maybe I did too,” I whispered quietly.

I hurt the people closest to me. I always do in the end.

I looked at Hamish, his face was unreadable, but his eyes betrayed his true feelings. Those usually soft gray-blue eyes were thundering with sadness and anger, Like a hurricane.

I then felt sad because right then I realized when people are broke a certain way, they can never be fixed. No one tells you that when you’re young. 

I turned to walk away, seeing as I don’t feel like I belong here anymore, when Hamish spoke up. “That’s it?” He said. “You get to dictate how I feel about someone?” I didn’t have to turn around to see that he was walking up to me.

I turned just in time to feel his angry lips on mine. I was so caught off guard by the act that I stood there, motionless. His chapped lips, tasting of bourbon, moved against my still ones. After a heartbeat, I pulled away. “What are you doing?” I asked, my face flushed with a mixture of anger and, oddly enough, excitement.

“Changing your mind,” He said. His face was flushed too, but by what I had no idea. He leaned forward to kiss me again, but I slapped his face away. Not hard, but enough to make him take a step back. Well, more of a slight stumble.

He looked at me with anger and… want? I regretted my actions, but I had to stand by them. As if my body had different plans, and before I could tell my body to stop, I was walking towards him and pressed my lips against his hungerly. Hamish kissed back with the same intensity.

After a few seconds I ripped away from him, turning my back on him. “No, I can’t do this,” I said, my voice thick with emotion. “I can’t do this to you,” I said quieter.  
Hamish grabbed my wrist and spun me around to face him. Hamish took a deep breath. “I know you feel this,” He whispered, his voice littered with desire, want, and sadness.

Then, he dropped my hand. “But if you don’t, just walk away right now. I won’t fight it, and I won’t try to talk you out. Just, please...” He said mercifully, looking at me. The storm in his eyes had passed, and now they were like depths in the ocean. Emotions casted away on an island based on deep love.

 _“You just deserve someone better than me,”_ I whispered so quietly I was sure he didn’t hear me. I gave him a pleading look, not being able to string anymore words together, and hoping he could read my eyes as I took one step. Then another. And another. All the way to the spare bedroom. Each step I took broke me. Each breath was like agony. Each heartbeat was like a cry.

I felt Hamish’s eyes staring at me until he couldn’t see me anymore.

I shut the door quietly, and sank to the floor. By then I was really crying. I had utterly, single handedly fucked everything up. 

New grief poured into me as I sat there. I didn’t know what was between Hamish and I, but I knew one thing. 

We weren't meant for each other.

I just know it.

If it was love, wouldn’t there be a shit ton of butterflies shooting machine guns in my stomach? Or even my heart racing fast? It’s like that with Trevor. He makes my stomach riot and my heart race.

Isn’t that love?


	10. Cryptic

By Friday, I have effectively dodged Hamish. I avoided him as much as possible, and that was easier than anything so far. He was barely at the apartment, and if he was it was to check up on me to make sure I was still here.

Trevor and I had our… get together that night. Talking and chatting mostly about him and what he does for a living. He works as a mechanic at some place along with Jay. Trevor normally deals with all the money problems while Jay did the hands-on work like changing oils or fixing fender-benders.

After our get together, we scheduled another one on Monday, when he didn’t have to work.

On Saturday, I didn’t do anything but clean the bathroom from top to bottom out of anxiety, and mostly to keep my mind off of everything. I ruined a salmon shirt that I got at a thrift store because of the bleach. The shirt was really big anyways, and I used it to sleep in.

Gotta love bleach.

On Sunday, I stayed in pajamas and watched T.V. I watched a marathon of _Friends,_ and I’m glad to say I am now a big Joey fan. After all this time, Hamish has not once come back to the apartment or called me. 

Not even a text from him. I got multiple from Trevor, all talking about what his day was like, and how he hated his job. He never asked about me or how I was doing.

Not that I cared. Who needs emotions anyway?

I was kind of disappointed to say the least. I still felt guilty and ashamed of what I had said and done to Hamish, and kind of pissed at myself for it.

I had thought of multiple scenarios of when I saw Hamish next; each ending in heartbreak, which I deserved.

I hope Hamish doesn’t mind that he has to get a new tub of vanilla ice cream. Or more peanut butter.

Man did I love peanut butter.

After my sulky weekend was, essentially speaking, over, I got up early, took a hot shower, and prepared for the day. I looked at my outfits, and chose a black flared skirt, dark grey leggings, a thick black sweatshirt, and thick, long socks that were black with white diamonds. I chose black and white converse to match, and fixed my hair into two buns on the top of my head.

The hour before I was supposed to go out and meet Trevor, hell broke loose.

 _“Mazikeen!”_ Someone yelled through the apartment. “Where the hell are you at?” It was Lilith. I was in the spare room, putting on my shoes when she barged in, Randall behind her looking a bit hurt, but sad.

“What the hell is the meaning of this?” She asked, her voice dripping with venom. “You led Hamish on? You should know better than that, Mazikeen!” She said. “And to top it off, I hear that you’re going to see some other guy?” she said, looking me over.

Randall went to open his mouth, but Lilith gave him a look that shut him up quick.

“It’s not what it looks like, Lilith,” I said, oddly calm. “Trevor met me at the _Blade and Chalice_ and it just kinda became a friendship. Nothing more,” I said.

“That’s supposed to make me feel better?” She asked, her voice guarded. I gave her a nod, standing up. Randall finally got a word in. “So, you’re just friends with this Trevor dude?” He asked, cautioned. I gave him a nod. “As far as I know of,” I replied.

“Well I still don’t like what you did to Hamish,” Lilith said, still pissed off. “When he told us, I wanted to rip your heart out,” Randall gave a sheepish smile. “Yeah, we weren’t too happy,” He confessed. “Hamish is still upset about it.,” Randall added.

 _Wait, Hamish_ told _them?_ I thought, hurt that he had done that. Randall must have seen the look on my face, and he tacked on, “He didn’t exactly tell us, we kind of figured it out on our own,”

“Does he know you’re here?” I asked, dismissing that added information. They both looked at me with an _‘oh shit’_ look. “No, he doesn’t,” Randall answered. “He’s teaching today, and we-” Randall was looking at Lilith as he said this. “-wanted to kindly ask what were your intentions,”

 _My intentions?_ I thought, confused. “What do you mean by that?” I asked.

“Exactly what he means, Mazikeen,” Lilith snapped. I gave her a glare.

“Maze,” Randall said. “Are you with us, or against us?” He asked. “I know that you have been with us and all, but are you just gonna up and leave when you get back on your feet?” 

_Isn’t it obvious?_ I asked myself, kind of hurt that they thought that way with me. “I’m with you guys, one hundred percent,” I said.

“Then don’t drag one of us around on a leash,” Lilith said under her breath. I ignored her. Randall seemed pleased with my answer. Before they both left, Lilith turned to me.

“Hey, Mazikeen, don’t be too hard on Hamish. He’s been burnt before, and I don’t want to see that again,” She said cryptically. _What does she mean by that?_ I thought as I watched Lilith and Randall leave. 

I finished getting ready, trying to cast out the events that took place minutes before to the back of my mind. 

I looked in the mirror before I left. I don’t know why I was dressing nice. It wasn’t a date. It was merely a get together between friends… right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about another short chapter guys!! Next one will be longer!


	11. Paper Cuts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so, this chapter may be triggering to some; this meaning it mentions self harm. If you don't want to read it, skip when it says "I wanted to forget everything for awhile…" Then pick back up when it says " “Mazikeen?” I heard someone say from the entry way."

Rushing to the bar, I barely made it in time. I left a little late, and I reprimanded myself for it. I needed to get my shit together.

I looked around to see Trevor sitting in the back, two drinks sitting on the table. I gave a small smile as I approached.

“Hey,” I said. Trevor whipped his head around and gave me a big smile.

“Thought you wouldn’t make it,” He said, standing up and giving me a hug. “I thought so too,” I said, sitting down across from him. 

We chatted for awhile. About small things, mostly about his work. I asked him questions that he seemed pleased to answer, but never asking any in return. By the time it was dark out, he was on his fourth beer and I was on my second water.

“Hey, you okay tonight? You seem slightly distracted,” Trevor commented. I gave him a shrug and a sheepish smile. “Sorry, I’ve got a lot on my mind,” I said. Which was true. I liked having Trevor around as company. It was refreshing to talk to someone about everyday things that didn’t involve werewolves, magic, or death.

But it would be better if he wasn’t so absorbed in himself.

“Did you want to talk about it?” Trevor asked, looking over the rim of his glass.

Just like Hamish would.

I couldn’t help but flinch at the memory that was still so raw. I shook my head. “No, I’ll be alright,” I said.

Trevor gave a doubtful look at me, then gave a shrug. We finished up our friendly meeting and Trevor walked me out into the cool night. I breathed in the crisp, late winter wind as it blew towards us, toying with my soft curls. I looked at Trevor as we stood there, looking at one another.

“Well,” I said finally. “I guess this is goodnight,” I smiled up at him. He gave me a grin. “Good night, Mazikeen,” Trevor said, his teeth flashing in the night. I started to back and turn away only to be grabbed by my wrist gently. For a split second I was tossed into a memory.

_Hamish grabbed my wrist and spun me around to face him. Hamish took a deep breath. “I know you feel this,” He whispered. He dropped my hand. “But if you don’t, just walk away right now. I won’t fight it, and I won’t try to talk you out. Just, please...” He said mercifully, looking at me._

I gave a silent gasp and froze. Trevor spun me around to face him. Trevor, not Hamish. 

Trevor then captured my lips in a goodnight kiss. I was frozen in place. I never intended to do this. Part of me recoiled; knowing this doesn’t feel right. But the other part, the one that’s damaged and broken because of me, wanted someone like Trevor to pick up the pieces. Trevor broke the kiss, but stayed where he was. 

“Goodnight,” He whispered before turning away.

I stood there, motionless, for a minute.

The butterflies were back and my heart was racing. _He just kissed me,_ I thought, my mouth slightly open. I shook my head and began walking back to the apartment, trying to hold myself together.

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: .☽ . :☆ﾟ. ───

When I walked in, the lights were off and there wasn’t anyone inside, like all the other days. I quickly went into the spare bedroom and changed into the baggy salmon shirt, going pantsless. 

I laid on the bed and stared at the ceiling, not at all tired despite what time it was.

I was confused at my emotions, but I shoved them deep down, throwing up walls to block them out. I got up and walked out into the kitchen. I turned on the lights, and began to make myself a drink. I poured vodka in a glass and some whiskey. Not a great combination, maybe one that is toxic, but I didn’t care.

I wanted to forget everything for awhile…

I looked around, mixing my drink by swirling the glass. I noticed something catching the lights and walked over. It was a blade. Not the big kitchen knives or anything, but it was a box cutter. My hand reflexively touched my hips, where past scars were.

Maybe just one cut. What could it hurt? I took a sip of my mix and almost gagged as it burned on the way down. The drink may be terrible, but it was working. I picked up the box cutter and examined it. I pushed the lever and the blade slid out, catching the light harshly.

I took another sip, this time a longer one. I sat on the kitchen floor, setting the glass beside me. I flipped the blade in my hand, contemplating if this was a good idea or not. I rested the flat of the blade to my thigh, resting my head against the cupboard door that I leaned against.

I hated myself. My life has been nothing but failures. Every. Single. Second. Of. It.

First, I failed my parents by not going to college like they had wanted me to. I went down a wrong path for many years because I hung out with the wrong crowd. 

Guess I’m living up to my name, huh? Next, I failed Lydia by killing her. Then I failed Hamish by ruining something that could’ve been something great. Magical maybe even. But this is who I am. Someone who doesn’t deserve happiness; not someone like me.

I’m a monster. A murderer. Someone who shouldn’t have love. Someone who doesn’t deserve it. I don’t want to kill myself, but I don’t want to be alive either.

Maybe this is what I deserved. Permanent reminders. Or as close to them as I can get anyways.

I began to cry as I picked up the glass and took another sip, then a second. Then a third. 

I’ll never be someone people are scared of losing… I thought as I picked up the box cutter, looking at the blade again. I guess I’ll always be the girl who just expects too much...

I put the blade against my thigh once more, this time with the sharp side against my flesh. I took one more, burning and intoxicating drink before I dragged the blade across my skin, from knee to upper thigh. It wasn’t a straight cut, more like a jagged line, and I felt numb as I saw beads of blood swell. It didn’t hurt but my body still winced.

I looked as the blood began to slip down my leg and on the floor in little red lines. They barely reached the floor before the cut started to slowly heal. I did another cut, parallel and as ugly as the first. I began to cry harder.

I just wanted to fucking feel right. I wanted to feel anything else except this pain and guilt in my chest that seemed to give away with every cut.

But I was confused, overwhelmed, guilty, and incredibly sad. I looked at this cut and saw blood slowly pour out. It felt satisfying, to see this. I deserved every bit of this pain. Just like the first, it began to heal. I hated this part of being a werewolf right this very moment. I deserved to feel the pain; I deserved to suffer for everything I have done.

For what I did to Lydia.

For what I did to Hamish.

For what I’m doing to myself.

I should never have spoken to Hamish like that; I should never have walked away. My phone vibrated next to me. I looked over and read the name blurrily.

Speak of the werewolf.

I clicked the green button and said, “Hello?” My voice seemed normal to me, but apparently not to Hamish.

“He- what’s wrong?” He asked, concern clear in his voice. He sounded like he hadn’t slept in days. He probably hasn’t. He probably was busy grading some stupid freshman tests or papers. Obviously I wasn’t the cause of the problem for his weariness… right?

“Nothing…” I said, dragging another cut across my thigh, this time my left thigh instead of my right. “What do you want,” I whined. _Did I really whine?_ I asked myself in my head. 

I could've asked it out loud.

Could’ve been the alcohol.

“I was just calling to check in. Where are you at?” Hamish asked. I drank the rest of the alcohol mix in my glass and set it down loudly, my limbs feeling heavy. My legs began to throb as I got up on my bloody knees, grabbing the whiskey bottle off of the counter.

“Why…?” I slurred, sitting back down roughly. “I’ve been where I have been the past days,”

“Alrigh-” I accidentally hung up on him while picking up my phone. “Aw, damn it,” I muttered. I opened my messages and found Hamish’s number.

 _‘Sory, hunged up on acidnett’_ I typed. It looked right, and I sent it.

A reply came quickly. ‘Are you drunk?’

I gave a laugh, and thought about ignoring it.

 _‘Mybe.’_ I typed, and realized I misspelt it. I tried again:

_‘Maybr.’_

_‘MAYBE.’_ I finally spelt it right. I gave a groan as my head pounded. I dragged two more cut, one on each leg. This time much, much deeper—it was really deep, like someone who would torture someone would do—cut across my leg, knee to hip.

This time I felt it. 

It felt like liquid fire burning on my leg. I saw the blood gush out a lot faster than the other cuts. My heart hammered against my ribs as I took a gulp of whiskey. Then another.

I felt light headed and dizzy.

I was never good around blood when I was drunk.

 _‘Mazikeen?’_ my phone buzzed. A string of messages appeared.

_‘Hello?’_

_‘Are you gonna answer?’_

_‘Why aren’t you answering?’_ They stopped for a moment as I got up and tried, on shaky legs, to walk to the bathroom.

My phone buzzed, but I didn’t see the text as I made my way to the bathroom in search of bandages, leaving a bloody trail in my wake. I barely made it to the hallway before I started to feel more light headed than usual when I was in this state.

I fell down heavily, face first, on the hardwood floor, that pain not processing. My legs throbbed with each heartbeat. I felt myself crying, dragging myself stupidly across the floor.

All of this was an out-of-body experience.

My vision was blacking out as I laid there, dark spots dancing around. I faintly heard the front door open and shut and heavy footsteps.

“Mazikeen?” I heard someone say from the entry way. “Oh fuck,” That same voice said.

They must’ve seen the blood. _My_ blood.

I heard the footsteps get louder as I saw the dancing spots grow bigger.

“Z!” That same voice said, louder this time. I thought I was dreaming at this point. I felt myself roll over. Or was it the person who did that?

My eyes were half closed. I had difficulty opening them, but I strained to see who it was.

I saw the most beautiful face, and the most beautiful gray-blue eyes. My eyes closed unwillingly, launching me into darkness. 

“Don’t worry, I got you, Z...” That was the last thing I heard before darkness took over.


End file.
